In 1899 South America Peru’s Adrianna Salazar is the rightful
queen, and considered a thief to the throne despite being the sole surviving
heir. Battling daily against the feud with her Bolivian cousins to protect her
crown against the feud with her Bolivian cousin her cousins’ threats leave
their calling in her home, and forcing her to flee to her fiancé Marcelo, Brazil’s
future king. Too bad Marcelo doesn’t want her.
While her ladies scheme romance between her and the prince,
Adrianna’s feelings blossom for Rafael, Marcelo’s older illegitimate brother.
To make court more interesting, Adrianna begins receiving mysterious notes in
her room from someone called The Loyal Guard warning her of danger. As strange incidents
with corpses are found around court threatening the alliance, Adrianna relies
on Rafael, but he’s hiding dangerous secrets of his own. Her heart should lie
with Marcelo, but her trust and love lie with Rafael.
As
she receives news of Bolivia’s desire to begin a revolution, and the religious
war dividing her people Adrianna knows there’s no time to waste. She needs her
ladies plan to work fast because Peruvia will cease to exist without her. If
she can’t put aside her feelings for Rafael and secure the alliance with
Brasilia her entire reign will be in jeopardy. As Adrianna and Marcelo begin to
align as rulers the castle seer warns of a danger she’s not sure she’ll
overcome.
BRASILIA’S COURT OF BLOOD AND LIES is an alternate historical fantasy complete at 77,000 words. As a Latina interested in historical fiction and fantasy, I wrote this book because historical fiction always takes place in Europe.
First 250
She was raised to conquer her
cousin’s country ending the reign of terror, but failed.
A humid breeze brought the stench of
burning corpses to the balcony as she leaned against the silver-plated rail,
gazing across her homeland. The fields used to have deep green color, and it
didn’t seem coincidence that the King’s death seventeen years prior made the
beautiful shades of green a muggy grey with no life sprouting from the ground.
A death with the stench of burning corpses wafting on the humid air.
Torture happened to her people on a
monthly basis. The events the night before left their marks. The border
military stationed miles from the palace stood straight in a single line,
protecting their country as if their lives. In front of the militia, commoners
threw the officers angered expressions while tossing limbs of the fallen
soldiers into the bright orange flames, and ducked as the embers of the flames
rose from the new content.
She turned from the balcony, and
strode to the wooden trunk at the end of her bed. She bent down, and lifted the
heavy bronze lock turning the key until it made the smallest click, and opened
it. She lifted the lid, regarding the contents borrowed from the night guards;
a sword, a bow and arrow, and an ax. She bent her head over the chest. Her
long, curly black hair and tan skin reflected off the sword’s sheen as she
gently moved it aside.
“Despite what the council thinks I will never be
known as weak,” she whispered.
Here are my thoughts, I hope they're helpful!
ReplyDelete- Why is she considered a thief if she's the sole surviving heir?
- I think you need an extra comma after 'Bolivian cousin'.
- If Marcelo is her fiancé, then why doesn't he want her?
- Oh, forbidden romance! I like
- I would think of another way to say 'to make court more interesting'
- Same goes for 'strange incidents with corpses', I would add some detail. What makes them so strange?
- Another comma is needed after 'her people', I believe
- What's the exact role of these ladies? I'm sorry, but this wasn't clear to me.
- I would add a comma after 'Brasilia'
- You used the word 'as' twice, so maybe replace/ remove one of them
- I believe another comma is needed after 'the rulers'.
- What dangers? A few details wouldn't hurt :)
- Someone told me comps and a bio aren't allowed for Son of a Pitch, sorry!
My thoughts on the first page:
- Instead of saying 'ending', I would use 'and end'. I like your first line, though
- Wow, great visuals
- You start a lot of sentences with 'she'. Try using other words, like her name, for variation.
Other than that, I think your query and first 250 words are pretty good :)
Good luck!
-Rachel
Please check the post for correct formatting for next round:
ReplyDeletehttps://kjhstories.blogspot.com/2017/08/announcement-son-of-pitch-is-magic.html
Hi, Vanessa! Is it necessary to specify "South America" in the first sentence? In "and considered a thief to the throne despite being the sole surviving heir," I'm not sure I understand how she can be considered a thief if she's the only heir.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure what's happening here "Battling daily against the feud with her Bolivian cousins to protect her crown against the feud with her Bolivian cousin her cousins’ threats leave their calling in her home, and forcing her to flee to her fiancé Marcelo, Brazil’s future king. Too bad Marcelo doesn’t want her."
In the second paragraph, I felt confused again. If Adrianna is engaged to Marcelo already, why is it necessary for her ladies to push a romance or for her heart to be involved? The marriage is arranged anyway, right?
The third paragraph brings up several new story points that surprised me--a revolution, a religious war, a castle seer/prophecy, and how Peruvia could cease to exist without Adrianna. I would suggest narrowing the query to 3 or fewer plot points for clarity, so that those can be followed through across the length of the query.
Sample. In the second and third paragraphs, the information about the world situation is interesting, but I'm not sure this is the best placement for it, since we don't yet know the main character. In the fourth paragraph, it's great that the focus shifts to Adrianna, but I'm not sure the readers need every detail of her movements. Could we be let into her thoughts or feelings instead?
There are missing commas throughout the query and sample that most grammar checks should catch.
I hope this helps! Just use what's useful and best of luck with your story! :D
Query
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph felt a bit muddled. I'd echo the sentiments of others as it seems she's the rightful heir and the part with the feud is confusing to me. I've reread it several times and I'm still uncertain what it mean.
Overall, there seems to be a lot of conflicting points between the words and their actual meaning/conveyance. Jess makes a lot of great points, so I don't want to repeat them, but I agree with her review.
First 250
The stench of death/corpses is used to open and close the second paragraph.
Unfortunately, I find myself confused again with the actions and descriptions starting in the second paragraph. If she's the ruler, then why can't she stop the torture? Also, I'm not quite sure what it transpiring or why.
I think you are missing a word(s) at the end of this sentence: The border military stationed miles from the palace stood straight in a single line, protecting their country as if their lives.
I'd try to simplify the query and not try to cram so much into the first 250 words. It feels like we're getting bits and pieces of too many things in that first 250.
Hi Vanessa,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your query and first 250 words! I’m going to try not to repeat the people above, but I also think the feud thing could be more specific. Who considers Adrianna a thief to the throne? Is it just her cousins, or the general population, etc.? What does it mean that she’s battling her cousins? Are they getting into fistfights, sword fights, trying to sway public opinion?
Overall, it sounds like Adrianna’s main goal is to secure the alliance with Brazil, and the stakes are the existence of Peruvia. Perhaps you could set up the importance of these things earlier on, and present the love triangle(-ish) as one of the obstacles, along with the brewing revolution and existing religious war? Otherwise the latter seem to come out of nowhere.
Sample: The first line is very abstract— I think starting with the second sentence would be more enticing.
I agree that there’s a lot crammed in here as well— in particular, “torture happened to her people on a monthly basis” and “the events of the night before” don’t seem to fit with the other descriptions. I would also like to establish the location of the fire— e.g. “the border militia stood in a straight line in front of a massive roaring fire”— before mentioning the limbs being tossed into it.
Thanks again for sharing, and best of luck!